I've reached an important conclusion. I am undisciplined and therefore, unsuccessful. Yep. I quit when things get difficult. Why is that? On some level, I think I'm afraid of failing so if I don't ever really commit myself to something hard, I will never be the cause (or the recipient) of disappointment. Not a good way to go through life. I see this trend more and more as I look through my recent (1o years or so) history. I don't like this about myself. I don't even think that I'm like this from laziness. Nor am I opposed to working hard. It really just seems to depend on the task and the expectation. I have a history of challenging myself with fairly difficult undertakings but when I look at them closely, they all involve not really having any choice other than to complete the goal. So is that it then? I am more extrinsically motivated to do something than intrinsically? Maybe what others think of me determines what I think of myself? I am really rambling today. The funny thing is, I "prewrote" this entry in my head a few days ago, but procrastinated when it came time to write it down. Even now it has changed significantly from my original thinking. Is it normal to be this age and still feel this confused about life and what I want?
Let me start again. I want to run a marathon. Why? I have no idea; I've always just kind of thought it was amazing that people could and would do this. I want to feel like one of those amazing people. So how can I achieve that goal? I need to overcome my fear of failure (or success depending on the perspective) and train as if I will do it. I'm going to the park now. Let's see how it goes.
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