Slippery slope.

It's tricky, this not spending. It almost seems to be an all or nothing type of set up. See, I've been doing well all month. Spent on necessities with a minor lapse to purchase some books for work and some "Loser" motivations. No problem.

And then I saw a dress. I agonized over it, but I didn't buy it. Almost, but I stayed firm to my pledge.

And then it was my birthday and I saw my sister in her pair of cute jeans like I've been wanting for forever because they make me like my thighs(or they did when I tried them on last year). And then a coupon, and a click and next thing you know they're on the way to my house.

And then it was a pair of boots that are such a good deal that it would be really foolish to pass them by and my feet have been sore and shipping is free and click, another purchase.

And then a Starbucks drink after my run on Sunday. I earned it. It was delicious.

So today I find myself perusing the internet, window shopping. For what? This has to stop. I do not want to open the door to spending. My pledge is to pay off my debt. Are a pair of jeans and a pair of boots a big deal? No, but they're the gateway to more spending. It's like a diet-- a little taste here and there isn't the problem. It's when the "little tastes" add up to a multi-course meal. It's too much. Better to just quit cold turkey.

Today I'll begin again. Fresh start.

Time to cancel all of the coupon emails etc. that show up in my inbox. They aren't helping.

Just say no.

The temptation to shop hasn't gone away yet. Just today I caught myself "window shopping" online for boots. What a waste of time! I know I don't need them. I committed to saving money, so I shouldn't even be considering the expediture. And yet I spent a fair number of minutes perusing different sites, weighing the pros and cons. Ugh. Bad habits are hard to break.

However, I can honestly say that I've done well over the past three weeks. My only nonessential expenditure was for two teaching related books. I figure that it's a long term investment in my sanity. Thirty bucks didn't seem unreasonable although to be honest, I didn't even really think about it. I just hit "purchase."

It's just money.

I keep refocusing on what matters and keep telling myself that money is simply a tool to achieve what matters. Why is it the source of so much anxiety right now? I can't do what matters to me right now because I don't have the money. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel left out. It makes me feel that thinking that money is unimportant is really only true for people who have it.

Enough whining. I am fortunate and I know I am. It's just frustrating.

I keep trying to do things the right way. To save, to budget, to be responsible and for what? It doesn't seem to be doing much good.

I know that I have to be responsible so that I can enjoy the benefits down the road. The problem is that there are so many things that derail the process that are seemingly unavoidable. It's only the end of week two and I'm struggling to say "no" even though I have to. If I had the money? It would be "yes" even though that would be foolish.

One Week Later...

I'm off to a mixed start. Due to apparent carelessness, I had a financial wake up call this week. Suffice to say that my desire to go on a spending freeze couldn't have happened at a better time.

With that, I did pretty well. My only non-essential purchases were pizza (which really isn't part of the freeze seeing as it's the weekly tradition) and $20 miscellaneous of which I still have $10.

On the positive side, I managed (with help) to declutter my office. I had no idea that I had so much stuff in here. Two Hefty trash bags, three boxes of books, and two boxes of Goodwill donations and it's feeling much more open in here. There's more to go, but for now I'm happy with the progress.

This week I want to add up all of my monthly expenses and get a specific number for how much I pay out and then work on a realistic spending plan.

Oh-- and I made some cash in eBay sales. That served the dual purpose of clearing out and making cash. Not too shabby.

In the the new; out with the old.

I've just finished shredding pages from an old journal. I reread what I'd written and what do you know-- since 2003 (and long before no doubt) I've been obsessed with the same topics which essentially boil down to having a simple life filled with love, creativity and adventure. Shredding those pages is the first concrete step (I've taken "starter steps" before)toward changing my world. It's like registering to run the marathon (funny how that's my analogy for so many things). I know where I want to go and how I want to feel when I get there. Now I just have to take the steps (literally and figuratively) to make it happen.

That journal will now be where I'll keep track of my finances. Long-hand accountability in good old black and white. How can I meet a goal? Name it. Break it down into reasonable chunks. Master each of the chunks. (Not sure "master" is the right word here, but nothing else comes to mind.

Right now I'm going to declutter my desk, then my bookshelves, and eventually, my life. Happy New Year to me.