Trying not to stress.

I'm sitting here thinking how much I wish I were out running. I was sidelined for Sunday's half-marathon and now I'm completely freaked out by the what ifs? Nothing has changed except some knowledge. Now my lack of breathing could possibly cause me to drop dead. I'm afraid to run and I hate feeling afraid of anything. It's bad enough being told what to do, but I don't know what to do with the fear. I hope the test is negative so that I can get back to my well-established routine and yet if it is inconclusive, I'm still in the same place with my lack of air. I'm feeling powerless right about now. I need to feel like I'm in charge and that I am making the choices rather than having them made for me.

It's the little things.

I've been following the Hanson Plan for training and with the exception for a week of not running (because I did a 250+ mile cycling trip) I've been really consistent, but somewhat frustrated. Just haven't seen much improvement (at least not as much as I'd like.) However, Thursday called for an 8 mile pace run and my pace for all 8 miles including my always rough/ shaky start was 10:38. It's slow by most standards but it's the best consistent mile pace I've maintained in quite a while. I'd like to drop it to a 10:15 by race time but I don't know if that's realistic. Bit by bit. I will get faster. "Comparison is the thief of joy." Just need to keep reminding myself that there will always be those who are quicker (slower). I'm out there and running just for me.

Annotation.

I get an inordinate amount of pleasure from crossing off my daily training miles. I have my plan printed out and as I complete each run, I write down what I actually ran. At the end of the week (for me the end is Sunday) I add up the miles. It is absurdly satisfying. Why? I think because it's a tangible measure of how hard I worked during the week. The miles have been calculated and because they're written down, they really exist not just in memory. I don't know if that makes sense but writing them down makes each day's accomplishment that much more real. It's a ritual that started four years ago and has lasted through all four training rounds.

Be easy.

I am running because I want to. I need to just relax and be easy. I kept that idea in mind this morning as I put in a comfortable 8 miles. Comfortable is the right word. I relaxed and ran. When I needed to, I walked for a few feet and then dropped right back into my rhythm. I finished and felt like I could have kept going for miles and miles and miles. My good run translated into feeling contented all day. Not bad payoff for my morning exertion.

A Matter of Trust.

I'm still running. Some days my miles are easier than others. Some days I just want to quit. I had a day like that two weeks ago. I just felt like I couldn't move. I was struggling to breathe, struggling to move faster, and walking more than running. I was on the trail and I just stopped. Hot, sweaty, and upset, I felt like crying. I often talk to myself when I run. This day I posed a question to the universe. I asked, "What do I need to do?" Implied in the question was "What do I need to do to feel better, to get faster, to feel joyful?" I swear the universe answered. Somehow I heard, "You just need to run." Huh. So I did. I sucked it up, reset my watch and began again. I ran the rest of my route without stopping. Since that day, I've ditched the watch and stopped focusing on my pace. I've been trying to just run. I figure the universe must know what she's talking about.

The Universe Listened.

I asked and I received what I asked for. Actually, I composed and revised and recited a "letter" while I ran all winter. And the universe listened and was generous.

Thank you.

I got deleted.

The post I started to compose before this one was deleted while in process. I guess that's the universe telling me to suck it up and stop stewing. (Does the universe care if I "stew"?) I started to complain about feeling a sense of futility in my running. I guess it's enough to simply acknowledge that today wasn't good and move on. Breathe and begin again. Tomorrow is another opportunity.

Up for another one?

Yep. Registered for marathon #4. I am so excited. I must really need a challenge. I never would have believed that I might really become a marathoner.
The first one was just to finish.(I did.)
The second one was to prove the first hadn't been a fluke.(It wasn't.)
The third was to do it better. (I did.)
And now there will be another one. Why? Don't know except that the prospect makes me happy.

Reboot.

Whew-- time flies! I've missed the entire month of February. Admittedly it's a short month, but still.

Since the focus has been on spending (or rather the lack of) I suppose it's time for an update. I've slipped a bit. It's like I opened the door one tiny crack and my wants shoved their way in. Two dresses and a pair of boots later and the guilt has struck.

I'm ready to begin again. I don't know what else to do other than reboot and restart.

Tomorrow is my restart for running and maybe I'll just christen it "New Start Day." Seems I do better when it's official.

Anyway, I need to get back to work now so that maybe I can have some time this week to think and function like a normal person.

Slippery slope.

It's tricky, this not spending. It almost seems to be an all or nothing type of set up. See, I've been doing well all month. Spent on necessities with a minor lapse to purchase some books for work and some "Loser" motivations. No problem.

And then I saw a dress. I agonized over it, but I didn't buy it. Almost, but I stayed firm to my pledge.

And then it was my birthday and I saw my sister in her pair of cute jeans like I've been wanting for forever because they make me like my thighs(or they did when I tried them on last year). And then a coupon, and a click and next thing you know they're on the way to my house.

And then it was a pair of boots that are such a good deal that it would be really foolish to pass them by and my feet have been sore and shipping is free and click, another purchase.

And then a Starbucks drink after my run on Sunday. I earned it. It was delicious.

So today I find myself perusing the internet, window shopping. For what? This has to stop. I do not want to open the door to spending. My pledge is to pay off my debt. Are a pair of jeans and a pair of boots a big deal? No, but they're the gateway to more spending. It's like a diet-- a little taste here and there isn't the problem. It's when the "little tastes" add up to a multi-course meal. It's too much. Better to just quit cold turkey.

Today I'll begin again. Fresh start.

Time to cancel all of the coupon emails etc. that show up in my inbox. They aren't helping.

Just say no.

The temptation to shop hasn't gone away yet. Just today I caught myself "window shopping" online for boots. What a waste of time! I know I don't need them. I committed to saving money, so I shouldn't even be considering the expediture. And yet I spent a fair number of minutes perusing different sites, weighing the pros and cons. Ugh. Bad habits are hard to break.

However, I can honestly say that I've done well over the past three weeks. My only nonessential expenditure was for two teaching related books. I figure that it's a long term investment in my sanity. Thirty bucks didn't seem unreasonable although to be honest, I didn't even really think about it. I just hit "purchase."

It's just money.

I keep refocusing on what matters and keep telling myself that money is simply a tool to achieve what matters. Why is it the source of so much anxiety right now? I can't do what matters to me right now because I don't have the money. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel left out. It makes me feel that thinking that money is unimportant is really only true for people who have it.

Enough whining. I am fortunate and I know I am. It's just frustrating.

I keep trying to do things the right way. To save, to budget, to be responsible and for what? It doesn't seem to be doing much good.

I know that I have to be responsible so that I can enjoy the benefits down the road. The problem is that there are so many things that derail the process that are seemingly unavoidable. It's only the end of week two and I'm struggling to say "no" even though I have to. If I had the money? It would be "yes" even though that would be foolish.

One Week Later...

I'm off to a mixed start. Due to apparent carelessness, I had a financial wake up call this week. Suffice to say that my desire to go on a spending freeze couldn't have happened at a better time.

With that, I did pretty well. My only non-essential purchases were pizza (which really isn't part of the freeze seeing as it's the weekly tradition) and $20 miscellaneous of which I still have $10.

On the positive side, I managed (with help) to declutter my office. I had no idea that I had so much stuff in here. Two Hefty trash bags, three boxes of books, and two boxes of Goodwill donations and it's feeling much more open in here. There's more to go, but for now I'm happy with the progress.

This week I want to add up all of my monthly expenses and get a specific number for how much I pay out and then work on a realistic spending plan.

Oh-- and I made some cash in eBay sales. That served the dual purpose of clearing out and making cash. Not too shabby.

In the the new; out with the old.

I've just finished shredding pages from an old journal. I reread what I'd written and what do you know-- since 2003 (and long before no doubt) I've been obsessed with the same topics which essentially boil down to having a simple life filled with love, creativity and adventure. Shredding those pages is the first concrete step (I've taken "starter steps" before)toward changing my world. It's like registering to run the marathon (funny how that's my analogy for so many things). I know where I want to go and how I want to feel when I get there. Now I just have to take the steps (literally and figuratively) to make it happen.

That journal will now be where I'll keep track of my finances. Long-hand accountability in good old black and white. How can I meet a goal? Name it. Break it down into reasonable chunks. Master each of the chunks. (Not sure "master" is the right word here, but nothing else comes to mind.

Right now I'm going to declutter my desk, then my bookshelves, and eventually, my life. Happy New Year to me.