Struggling with simplification.

Who knew that it would so difficult to stop shopping and simplify my world? First, the simplification-- I cleaned my closet, pulled the things that I no longer love, have been stagnating under the bed or buried in a corner and sold them on eBay. So far, I've sold twelve things and made almost 300.00.

Nice, right?

Here's the problem. I want to spend my "found" money on more stuff. It's a vicious cycle. On one hand I'm happy to be gaining some breathing room, and yet the other part of me, (apparently it's rather obsessive) wants to refill that space with something (or somethings) new. My goal of zen-like empty spaces is proving difficult to achieve. Again, it's the idea of changing from an "I want" perspective to an "I need" point of view. It isn't easy.

I suppose I could rationalize it by telling myself that selling twelve and say gaining three is still a net loss of nine items. But I see that logic for what it is-- an excuse for my lack of willpower.

The world is white.

I don't remember the last time I've seen so much snow. We got about 12 inches on Saturday, another 8 last night and now at least another 4 since this morning. It's beautiful. I love being forced to stay home. I managed a walk earlier today up to the grocery store (we needed chocolate chips for cookies) but other than that, I don't have to go anywhere or do anything. It's a "free" day. If this keeps up, I'll be off tomorrow too.

That said, I haven't been able to run. I am feeling monstrously bloated and fat but figure I'll make up for it in the coming weeks.

I keep thinking about happiness and joy. Maybe instead of starting statements with "I want..." I need a different opener. "I want" seems to lead toward material things. I'm trying (although not as successfully as I'd hoped) to reduce my materialism/ consumerism. In the past "What if" hasn't been particularly useful-- that seems to breed inactivity and paralysis. Maybe I should begin "I need."

What do I need?

Seeking joy.

I was finally able to run today after two weeks off. I had hoped that running would shove some of the mind-gunk out of the way and free the ideas that live in my brain.

No such luck.

It appears I have only one thought lately and that is the idea of seeking joy. I just want to be happy. Actually, I should amend that statement. There's "happy" and then there's "happy." I know, what's the difference? The first is how I feel now: I am happy. I am thankful for what I have in my life and know that I am very fortunate in many ways. The other "happy" is the deep, down know in my core (at risk of sounding too "out there") that I'm in tune with the universe. Right place, right time, right everything. Is it wrong to want to feel that joyful? Is that even a normal thing to desire? I don't want to walk around with a silly smile plastered on my face. That's not joy to me. I just want to feel like I'm doing my best job fulfilling my purpose (whatever that purpose may be)and thereby feeling happy on the inside pretty much all the time.

This is what I think about. A lot.

Just thinking, not writing.

I haven't written because I haven't been running and the two seem to be connected. I think the running helps me organize my thinking which allows me to formulate my writing. If my thinking is scattered, my writing is scattered. That's the way it goes.

With luck, I'll be back in the park tomorrow after a forced nonrunning period thanks to yet another cold. That should set the brain in motion for some good, thoughtful discourse.

I can only hope.