Well?

Do I commit or not? Do I register and take on the challenge of the marathon or just give it up as yet another wacky idea that I've considered? I am torn. I really want to do something that makes me feel powerful and in control. Do I have the time to commit to this? I'm afraid if I wait to long to register that it will be closed and I'll be out of luck. Of course, I could register and if I don't complete the training I'll be out $100. What to do... Do I have it in me to complete this task? Am I strong enough?

Saturday morning

Sitting outside drinking my morning coffee in the sunshine is quite possibly one of my favorite ways to spend an hour. It even beats lounging in bed. Right now, I am on the back porch (that sounds very grand; it's more like a "back stoop") drinking my second cup. Last night's rain has cleared up and this morning is bright, sunny, and hot. I can hear birds and smell my tomato plant. I can't wait until all of the green tomatoes finally ripen. I know that the day will soon become more complicated so for now, I just enjoy this time alone.

UPDATE: I ran yesterday and felt pretty good at the beginning. I still didn't make the whole loop without stopping. No new running shoes for me yet. I will get better. I will do this.

On realization

I've reached an important conclusion. I am undisciplined and therefore, unsuccessful. Yep. I quit when things get difficult. Why is that? On some level, I think I'm afraid of failing so if I don't ever really commit myself to something hard, I will never be the cause (or the recipient) of disappointment. Not a good way to go through life. I see this trend more and more as I look through my recent (1o years or so) history. I don't like this about myself. I don't even think that I'm like this from laziness. Nor am I opposed to working hard. It really just seems to depend on the task and the expectation. I have a history of challenging myself with fairly difficult undertakings but when I look at them closely, they all involve not really having any choice other than to complete the goal. So is that it then? I am more extrinsically motivated to do something than intrinsically? Maybe what others think of me determines what I think of myself? I am really rambling today. The funny thing is, I "prewrote" this entry in my head a few days ago, but procrastinated when it came time to write it down. Even now it has changed significantly from my original thinking. Is it normal to be this age and still feel this confused about life and what I want?

Let me start again. I want to run a marathon. Why? I have no idea; I've always just kind of thought it was amazing that people could and would do this. I want to feel like one of those amazing people. So how can I achieve that goal? I need to overcome my fear of failure (or success depending on the perspective) and train as if I will do it. I'm going to the park now. Let's see how it goes.

Running in the rain.

I ran on Wednesday in the rain. All I kept thinking was that I wanted it to rain harder to symbolically clean me off. (The Weather Gods obliged-- it was pouring when I got back to the car. ) It had been such a frustrating day which eventually culminated in a frustrating week. But while I was running, I was happy. I was soaked, tired, sore, but content. As for distance, I think it was only about two miles. I need to figure out various route lengths so I can start keeping track of my distance. I say distance because "work out" seems way too official for what I'm doing. Two miles is a far cry from 26. Need to believe.

On Having a Midlife Crisis

I've decided that I'm having a mid-life crisis. Three weeks ago I decided that running a marathon was a reasonable idea. There's just one problem (well, there are quite a few more than one but this is the least complicated to admit) with the idea of challenging my body with a 26+ mile run-- I'm not much of a runner.

The funny thing is in my head I define myself as a runner. There's no good reason for this since I haven't run consistently in about nine years and even when I was running (well, jogging) regularly, I was turtle-slow. More than a ten-minute mile slow (actually closer to 11 min.). Maybe I think of myself as a runner because I admire their determination and drive. Let's face it-- it takes a lot of discipline to get out there and train. I suppose that "runner's high" endorphin rush makes it worthwhile, but I never reached that point. My legs would tire or my stomach would cramp long before reaching that Nirvanic state. Add to this lack of running prowess that I am now 43. That seems rather late to decide that I want to become a marathoner. Usually I can talk myself out of these far-fetched illogical ideas. I mean really, I'm not some impulsive teenager. I don't need to impress anyone. I just have this urge that formulated itself into a plan to run a marathon, the Philadelphia marathon this November.

Since I can't shake this idea, I've decided I'd better start training. In three weeks time (since coming up with this plan) I've managed to walk/jog a total of about 27 miles. I'm good for about 2 at a time. What am I thinking? I must be nuts.