37:39.

Ugh. I am really disappointed in my run last night. I kept trying the whole visualization thing but didn't feel good moving until mile 3. I'll be tired before I'm warmed up.

Okay, enough whining. Focus on the positive.

I did it. I finished. I wasn't last. My last mile was my fastest. I will get stronger. I will get better. I will run 26.2 miles. I will and I am. :)

"Your running looks effortless."

And so my day was made. Yep-- the old couple who walk the dachsund Mollie in the park commented as I jogged past. Good for the ego and the confidence. Effortless. Nice. A little affirmation goes a long way. I am so ready for tonight's race. 5K in Westfield that ends with pizza and beer.

Tonight.

I am so tired tonight. I should have run but it was pouring rain and I had an appt. so I skipped it. I feel guilty. Tomorrow night is the 5K which ends eating pizza and beer. Yum. I am going to have to pre-run to make up for today.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and decided that I've become tired of saying "used to." I used to travel. I used to bike. I used to run. I used to write. I used to be passionate. Everything is in the past. What do I do now? I'm tired of feeling like a "used to." I want to be those things again-- a traveler, a runner, a biker, a writer...

Training for this race is the start. I am a runner, not a casual jogger. I read somewhere that a jogger becomes a runner after making a commitment to race. Commitment is in place, now I just need to do the race.

Okay, am I a writer? Not there yet. I was two summers ago. I reached the point where the day felt incomplete if I hadn't written about my thinking. Somehow it got too hard to keep doing. I need to prioritize. Of course, this is writing but not really the deep soul-searching writing that the journal demands. Although still private, this still feels too public to really delve and discover through words. I'll work on that. If I can train for a marathon, I can rediscover and write from my heart.

I think this is enough for tonight. I will let my thinking continue and go read for awhile. I'm intrigued by the idea presented of making one's own reality.

I am.

Today I felt like a runner. For real. I ran the loop. I looked around. I did my breathing. I focused on my stride. I did it. After weeks of feeling like I'm not progressing, I ran well. I think, as odd as it sounds, that my "pilot light" is helping as a focus. Yep-- my spirit is a blue flame, a pilot light, that burns steadily in my heart. I can see it when I run. Is that weird? Maybe, but I just keep picturing this flame that grows and blossoms when I need strength. I realized that it's always there and that it's always been there-- not always as strong, but inside and "on" just the same. I am. I have strength. I am and that's enough.

Fresh start

Bad weekend emotionally. Really bad. I feel kind of broken and empty. It's time for a reset. I don't know what to do about the head/heart stuff, so I have to refocus on what I can control. Wake up, put on sneakers, go for a walk/run. I know there's good in me. I have to believe there's worth. I hoped that I wouldn't feel so sad this morning. I do. I just don't know how to fix it.

I wonder if everyone goes through these bouts of self-doubt and self-disgust? (I was going to say "loathing" but that is too strong to apply to oneself.)

New day, fresh start, pieces will fall into place and make sense. I don't know how and maybe I can't make the pieces fit, but I have to believe they can and will.

No love letter to my thighs today, maybe tomorrow.

UPDATE: I ran the loop. The whole loop without stopping. I also decided that I have a blueglow pilot light. More about that later.

New shoes.

I earned them and today I bought them. Yep, the long anticipated new running shoes are bright white and ready for action. Aside from the hole in the toe, those old ones must have been pretty beat because the new ones feel completely different. Asics again, but a size bigger (the shoe guy was surprised that I'd managed to gouge out a toe hole) and a different style. Tomorrow will be their first test run (figuratively and literally). I'm actually excited. I can't wait to take my new shoes out and show them the trail. I really hope I can do the whole loop tomorrow. I need to start building up faster for my own mental stability. I mean really, I've been "training" for two months. You'd think I'd be better by now.

This blog has become far less about insight and thinking than I'd originally intended. Clearly I need to work on the mental aspects that initially led me here.

Good news; bad news

The good news is I ran the loop today. The whole loop. Then, after running the loop once, I walked it. Yep-- I double looped. That's the good news. The bad news is that I think the loop is shorter than I thought. Either my pedometer needs adjusting (which is possible since it was a very quick, halfway set up) or I've been struggling to run not around two to three miles but more like a mile and a half. Regardless, I ran the loop today and that was my goal. I have improved.

I am not quite a llama.

Okay, so I'm not completely happy with my performance yesterday. Not quite what I consider "llama-esque" but it's a start. I ran the July 4 four mile race in Cranford. My performance wasn't pretty-- I had to stop and walk-- but I did it. I finished and even with walking averaged twelve minute miles. Not great, but I wasn't last. I really need to work on the mental aspects. I am ridiculously hard on myself.

Refocus. Rather than seeing what I would have improved, what did I do well? First, I showed up. I put myself in the race. I am proud of that. I haven't done that since 2001. Eight years. I ran four miles, not straight, but I did four. I believe I have earned my new sneakers. I focused on breathing and some of the techniques I've been reading about.

I can do this. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but something worth having is worth the work. I love how I feel at the end. I really need that sense of accomplishment.

I'm in.

It's official. I am registered to run the Philadelphia Marathon. This will probably end up as "It seemed like a good idea at the time" stories. I'm trying not to analyze (at least not too much) why I want to do this. I'm not even sure that I like running. And why not simply register for the half marathon. Surely running 13 miles would be enough of a challenge... No. In my mind, I have to do the whole thing.

On a lighter note, I booked a trip for Paris for the end of August. I want to share my love of travel. I've been to Paris enough times to be relatively comfortable with my pidgen French. Maybe I'll practice some new phrases. Only knowing how to ask for the bathroom and for directions is somewhat limiting. Fun, but limiting. I'm ready to leave now. Today. I want out!

I realize just how "simple" I am... new running shorts make me happy. I can't wait for the new shoes-- I almost made the loop completely yesterday. I'm hoping to do it tomorrow and earn my sneakers.