New sneaks.

They just arrived and I put them on immediately. I believe they are magical and will make me a better runner. (If I can make my own reality, why not give myself magical running shoes?)

These shoes will help revive Powerhouse and Hammer. These shoes will remind me with each step that I am strong. These shoes have a lot of work ahead of them.

Today I did 4 miles. I alternated running and walking. It wasn't pretty and it wasn't fast, but I did my daily mileage.

Keeping my routine is all I can do. I will get better again. How do I know? I've been here before. I can do this and the new shoes (and socks) will help!

The act of creation.

I'm back to creating my own reality. What the world says doesn't matter so much as my interpretation and reaction. That's what's real. Okay. I am a llama. I am a runner. I am a marathoner. I am strong. I am motivated. I am ready to do this and to do this well.

I will create the reality that suits me best as I go along. I'm off for a good run. Come run with me.

I can't downward dog.

So I went to yoga for a second class. Last week I felt rather "ho hum" about the whole experience. This week I really liked it. I'm uncoordinated and struggle to figure out how to move my shoulders and back but it's fun. I definitely like the more active approach-- it feels so good to have space in my body from the stretching.

The other part I like is that the monkey mind is forced to focus and concentrate. I can't worry about my thighs and "downward dog" simultaneously.

Tomorrow it's back to the park for a run. It's supposed to be cold, but it doesn't matter (hah). What matters is that I'm continuing to carve out space for myself.

Full Moon Running

The moon was full. The air was clear. I ran for joy, not mileage, not time, not preparation. I ran to feel myself moving along the path. It was wonderful.

The past few days (since the marathon) I've been trying to answer the "Now what?" question or rather, "What now?" What should I do now that I've completed my marathon goal? What should my next challenge be?

Today it occurred to me that a better (and somewhat more intriguing) question for now is "What do I want?" The first thing that pops into my head as an answer is "to go to Cambodia."

My heart knows this is true.

Whatever the question, I know the answer. I just need to quiet the noise and listen.

I am not quite a llama.

Okay, so I'm not completely happy with my performance yesterday. Not quite what I consider "llama-esque" but it's a start. I ran the July 4 four mile race in Cranford. My performance wasn't pretty-- I had to stop and walk-- but I did it. I finished and even with walking averaged twelve minute miles. Not great, but I wasn't last. I really need to work on the mental aspects. I am ridiculously hard on myself.

Refocus. Rather than seeing what I would have improved, what did I do well? First, I showed up. I put myself in the race. I am proud of that. I haven't done that since 2001. Eight years. I ran four miles, not straight, but I did four. I believe I have earned my new sneakers. I focused on breathing and some of the techniques I've been reading about.

I can do this. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but something worth having is worth the work. I love how I feel at the end. I really need that sense of accomplishment.

I'm in.

It's official. I am registered to run the Philadelphia Marathon. This will probably end up as "It seemed like a good idea at the time" stories. I'm trying not to analyze (at least not too much) why I want to do this. I'm not even sure that I like running. And why not simply register for the half marathon. Surely running 13 miles would be enough of a challenge... No. In my mind, I have to do the whole thing.

On a lighter note, I booked a trip for Paris for the end of August. I want to share my love of travel. I've been to Paris enough times to be relatively comfortable with my pidgen French. Maybe I'll practice some new phrases. Only knowing how to ask for the bathroom and for directions is somewhat limiting. Fun, but limiting. I'm ready to leave now. Today. I want out!

I realize just how "simple" I am... new running shorts make me happy. I can't wait for the new shoes-- I almost made the loop completely yesterday. I'm hoping to do it tomorrow and earn my sneakers.

Running in the rain.

I ran on Wednesday in the rain. All I kept thinking was that I wanted it to rain harder to symbolically clean me off. (The Weather Gods obliged-- it was pouring when I got back to the car. ) It had been such a frustrating day which eventually culminated in a frustrating week. But while I was running, I was happy. I was soaked, tired, sore, but content. As for distance, I think it was only about two miles. I need to figure out various route lengths so I can start keeping track of my distance. I say distance because "work out" seems way too official for what I'm doing. Two miles is a far cry from 26. Need to believe.

On Having a Midlife Crisis

I've decided that I'm having a mid-life crisis. Three weeks ago I decided that running a marathon was a reasonable idea. There's just one problem (well, there are quite a few more than one but this is the least complicated to admit) with the idea of challenging my body with a 26+ mile run-- I'm not much of a runner.

The funny thing is in my head I define myself as a runner. There's no good reason for this since I haven't run consistently in about nine years and even when I was running (well, jogging) regularly, I was turtle-slow. More than a ten-minute mile slow (actually closer to 11 min.). Maybe I think of myself as a runner because I admire their determination and drive. Let's face it-- it takes a lot of discipline to get out there and train. I suppose that "runner's high" endorphin rush makes it worthwhile, but I never reached that point. My legs would tire or my stomach would cramp long before reaching that Nirvanic state. Add to this lack of running prowess that I am now 43. That seems rather late to decide that I want to become a marathoner. Usually I can talk myself out of these far-fetched illogical ideas. I mean really, I'm not some impulsive teenager. I don't need to impress anyone. I just have this urge that formulated itself into a plan to run a marathon, the Philadelphia marathon this November.

Since I can't shake this idea, I've decided I'd better start training. In three weeks time (since coming up with this plan) I've managed to walk/jog a total of about 27 miles. I'm good for about 2 at a time. What am I thinking? I must be nuts.