This is absurd.

There's no other word for it but "absurd." How is it possible that I can't run a mile and yet last year I ran a marathon? I feel like I can't breathe and my legs are made of lead. Unbelievable. Last year I ran four miles on the fourth. This year? Not a chance. I ran two and a half and needed to walk after each half mile. I am so annoyed with myself and I'm struggling to understand how I've gotten into such poor shape. I guess consistency is key.

I need to stop whining and keep running.

I am a llama.

26:33

That's where I'm starting for two miles. Yep. It took nearly a half hour to run the park. So, this is my baseline and you know what? It doesn't matter. It's where I'll begin.

Again.

The good thing this time around is that I know what I need to do and I know how good I'll feel doing it. I can build up. I've done it. I'm out of shape, but that will change. I've done it. Yes, I can. Yes, I will.

One more time.

I signed up to run the Philly marathon again. I need a goal. I liked myself better when I was running. Fresh start with a goal of a sub-5 hour race. :) I can do this (better).

Excuses, excuses.

I spend more time worrying about not doing. I need to just go. In my head I'm ready, but I'm allowing nonessentials to waste my time. I thought I'd already rededicated myself to the run. I need to do it again. Tomorrow I will run. I am making a promise to my thighs, to my belly, and to my "pilot light." Powerhouse and Hammer need to be revived.

Choices.

Today the weather was 50 degrees and raining. It was cold and miserable and just plain old unpleasant. Today was the kind of day where you just want to get home and take a nap.

I ran.

I'll admit that I didn't really want to. I actually started driving home instead of to the park because the rain was so heavy that I just didn't feel like going. And then I passed some guy out there on the road running. I did a u-turn and went to the park. It wasn't guilt, it was the idea that this was my choice. I wanted to do this for me. I keep saying that I need to begin again, so I need to "walk the walk" or in this case, "run the run."

It was cold. It was wet. It was a relief to get out and just focus on moving.

I am a runner and runners run.

Begin again?

It was a bad idea to take off a month. I had no idea that I would regress so quickly. I ran earlier this week and again this morning. Only three miles both times and of that three, I probably walked almost one. Ugh. I feel as if I've lost all of the stamina and strength that I'd gained over the past year. One month of inconsistency and boom. Done. Weak. It's depressing.

I figure I have two choices: I can quit now and just figure that I ran a marathon so I don't need to keep this up. Why "torture" myself? Or, I can remember how good it feels to be strong. Remember how good it feels to forget everything but movement. Remember how good it feels to accomplish a goal.

This is really a pointless argument. I know what I'll do. I'll begin again.

POST Note: I just reread some entries from November and December. It's the mental ass-kick I needed. I'll stop whining and start running. I am a llama. I am a llama.

What to do?

I am so confused anymore. I sit and wonder and think and sit some more. What now? I just don't know what to do about anything.

In five minutes I will go running. In five minutes I will move to reassume control of my world. In five minutes I will begin to rebuild again.