The act of creation.

I'm back to creating my own reality. What the world says doesn't matter so much as my interpretation and reaction. That's what's real. Okay. I am a llama. I am a runner. I am a marathoner. I am strong. I am motivated. I am ready to do this and to do this well.

I will create the reality that suits me best as I go along. I'm off for a good run. Come run with me.

Today I walked.

Yep. I took off the pressure of running. I think I either pulled my hamstring or it's just really tight but either way, running didn't seem like a good idea. In order to get myself moving, I decided to walk my "required" three miles.

I walk almost as quickly (or slowly)as I run. Huh.

At any rate, my leg feels better. My brain feels better and my mood is better. Tomorrow's another chance to do well again.

What's going on?

I have no motivation to run. None. I was awake at 6 this morning. It's not humid out. Really an ideal day to get moving and yet I delayed and procrastinated so I wouldn't have to go. I know I should go. I know I should want to go. I know that I'll feel better after I go, but I just don't feel like it.

I think I became disheartened again last week when two clearly out of shape, overweight women ran past without struggling or breathing heavy or anything. And then there's me at the side of the trail gasping like a landed fish. I know it shouldn't matter, but it does.

Enough. I'm going to punish my lack of motivation by cleaning the house. If that doesn't convince me I need to get out, I don't know what will.

Can't sleep.

It's 3:43 in the morning. Exactly. I can't sleep. I think my "monkey mind" is on overdrive. The house, money, running, time, responsibilities... it's all there in one massive jumble. I don't know how to sort it all out. I know, I know, one thing at a time but that's far easier said than done.

Running shouldn't be a source of stress, neither should the house. Intellectually, I know this but emotionally it's all somehow connected.

And now it's 3:46. At 3:12(I know the exact time because I looked at the clock)I gave up shifting around to find a comfortable position. There's no comfort to be found tonight. So now I sit and write and think.

I'll have a glass of water and then go back to bed. If I'm going to enjoy relief from my "to do" list, I'm going to need my energy.

This is absurd.

There's no other word for it but "absurd." How is it possible that I can't run a mile and yet last year I ran a marathon? I feel like I can't breathe and my legs are made of lead. Unbelievable. Last year I ran four miles on the fourth. This year? Not a chance. I ran two and a half and needed to walk after each half mile. I am so annoyed with myself and I'm struggling to understand how I've gotten into such poor shape. I guess consistency is key.

I need to stop whining and keep running.

I am a llama.

26:33

That's where I'm starting for two miles. Yep. It took nearly a half hour to run the park. So, this is my baseline and you know what? It doesn't matter. It's where I'll begin.

Again.

The good thing this time around is that I know what I need to do and I know how good I'll feel doing it. I can build up. I've done it. I'm out of shape, but that will change. I've done it. Yes, I can. Yes, I will.

One more time.

I signed up to run the Philly marathon again. I need a goal. I liked myself better when I was running. Fresh start with a goal of a sub-5 hour race. :) I can do this (better).