Choices.

Today the weather was 50 degrees and raining. It was cold and miserable and just plain old unpleasant. Today was the kind of day where you just want to get home and take a nap.

I ran.

I'll admit that I didn't really want to. I actually started driving home instead of to the park because the rain was so heavy that I just didn't feel like going. And then I passed some guy out there on the road running. I did a u-turn and went to the park. It wasn't guilt, it was the idea that this was my choice. I wanted to do this for me. I keep saying that I need to begin again, so I need to "walk the walk" or in this case, "run the run."

It was cold. It was wet. It was a relief to get out and just focus on moving.

I am a runner and runners run.

Begin again?

It was a bad idea to take off a month. I had no idea that I would regress so quickly. I ran earlier this week and again this morning. Only three miles both times and of that three, I probably walked almost one. Ugh. I feel as if I've lost all of the stamina and strength that I'd gained over the past year. One month of inconsistency and boom. Done. Weak. It's depressing.

I figure I have two choices: I can quit now and just figure that I ran a marathon so I don't need to keep this up. Why "torture" myself? Or, I can remember how good it feels to be strong. Remember how good it feels to forget everything but movement. Remember how good it feels to accomplish a goal.

This is really a pointless argument. I know what I'll do. I'll begin again.

POST Note: I just reread some entries from November and December. It's the mental ass-kick I needed. I'll stop whining and start running. I am a llama. I am a llama.

What to do?

I am so confused anymore. I sit and wonder and think and sit some more. What now? I just don't know what to do about anything.

In five minutes I will go running. In five minutes I will move to reassume control of my world. In five minutes I will begin to rebuild again.

There's always tomorrow.

I haven't written in nearly a month. Nothing's wrong, just don't know what to say. Lots of stuff on my mind, but too much is too personal. If I write it, it's real and I have to deal with it or at the very least think about it.

And so I practice my exceedingly well developed avoidance techniques. I am too busy to worry about my life's minutiae. (What if it's really big stuff-- maxutiae? Don't know.)

I need to begin again.

Tomorrow.

Struggling with simplification.

Who knew that it would so difficult to stop shopping and simplify my world? First, the simplification-- I cleaned my closet, pulled the things that I no longer love, have been stagnating under the bed or buried in a corner and sold them on eBay. So far, I've sold twelve things and made almost 300.00.

Nice, right?

Here's the problem. I want to spend my "found" money on more stuff. It's a vicious cycle. On one hand I'm happy to be gaining some breathing room, and yet the other part of me, (apparently it's rather obsessive) wants to refill that space with something (or somethings) new. My goal of zen-like empty spaces is proving difficult to achieve. Again, it's the idea of changing from an "I want" perspective to an "I need" point of view. It isn't easy.

I suppose I could rationalize it by telling myself that selling twelve and say gaining three is still a net loss of nine items. But I see that logic for what it is-- an excuse for my lack of willpower.

The world is white.

I don't remember the last time I've seen so much snow. We got about 12 inches on Saturday, another 8 last night and now at least another 4 since this morning. It's beautiful. I love being forced to stay home. I managed a walk earlier today up to the grocery store (we needed chocolate chips for cookies) but other than that, I don't have to go anywhere or do anything. It's a "free" day. If this keeps up, I'll be off tomorrow too.

That said, I haven't been able to run. I am feeling monstrously bloated and fat but figure I'll make up for it in the coming weeks.

I keep thinking about happiness and joy. Maybe instead of starting statements with "I want..." I need a different opener. "I want" seems to lead toward material things. I'm trying (although not as successfully as I'd hoped) to reduce my materialism/ consumerism. In the past "What if" hasn't been particularly useful-- that seems to breed inactivity and paralysis. Maybe I should begin "I need."

What do I need?

Seeking joy.

I was finally able to run today after two weeks off. I had hoped that running would shove some of the mind-gunk out of the way and free the ideas that live in my brain.

No such luck.

It appears I have only one thought lately and that is the idea of seeking joy. I just want to be happy. Actually, I should amend that statement. There's "happy" and then there's "happy." I know, what's the difference? The first is how I feel now: I am happy. I am thankful for what I have in my life and know that I am very fortunate in many ways. The other "happy" is the deep, down know in my core (at risk of sounding too "out there") that I'm in tune with the universe. Right place, right time, right everything. Is it wrong to want to feel that joyful? Is that even a normal thing to desire? I don't want to walk around with a silly smile plastered on my face. That's not joy to me. I just want to feel like I'm doing my best job fulfilling my purpose (whatever that purpose may be)and thereby feeling happy on the inside pretty much all the time.

This is what I think about. A lot.