The Universe Listened.

I asked and I received what I asked for. Actually, I composed and revised and recited a "letter" while I ran all winter. And the universe listened and was generous.

Thank you.

I got deleted.

The post I started to compose before this one was deleted while in process. I guess that's the universe telling me to suck it up and stop stewing. (Does the universe care if I "stew"?) I started to complain about feeling a sense of futility in my running. I guess it's enough to simply acknowledge that today wasn't good and move on. Breathe and begin again. Tomorrow is another opportunity.

Up for another one?

Yep. Registered for marathon #4. I am so excited. I must really need a challenge. I never would have believed that I might really become a marathoner.
The first one was just to finish.(I did.)
The second one was to prove the first hadn't been a fluke.(It wasn't.)
The third was to do it better. (I did.)
And now there will be another one. Why? Don't know except that the prospect makes me happy.

Reboot.

Whew-- time flies! I've missed the entire month of February. Admittedly it's a short month, but still.

Since the focus has been on spending (or rather the lack of) I suppose it's time for an update. I've slipped a bit. It's like I opened the door one tiny crack and my wants shoved their way in. Two dresses and a pair of boots later and the guilt has struck.

I'm ready to begin again. I don't know what else to do other than reboot and restart.

Tomorrow is my restart for running and maybe I'll just christen it "New Start Day." Seems I do better when it's official.

Anyway, I need to get back to work now so that maybe I can have some time this week to think and function like a normal person.

Slippery slope.

It's tricky, this not spending. It almost seems to be an all or nothing type of set up. See, I've been doing well all month. Spent on necessities with a minor lapse to purchase some books for work and some "Loser" motivations. No problem.

And then I saw a dress. I agonized over it, but I didn't buy it. Almost, but I stayed firm to my pledge.

And then it was my birthday and I saw my sister in her pair of cute jeans like I've been wanting for forever because they make me like my thighs(or they did when I tried them on last year). And then a coupon, and a click and next thing you know they're on the way to my house.

And then it was a pair of boots that are such a good deal that it would be really foolish to pass them by and my feet have been sore and shipping is free and click, another purchase.

And then a Starbucks drink after my run on Sunday. I earned it. It was delicious.

So today I find myself perusing the internet, window shopping. For what? This has to stop. I do not want to open the door to spending. My pledge is to pay off my debt. Are a pair of jeans and a pair of boots a big deal? No, but they're the gateway to more spending. It's like a diet-- a little taste here and there isn't the problem. It's when the "little tastes" add up to a multi-course meal. It's too much. Better to just quit cold turkey.

Today I'll begin again. Fresh start.

Time to cancel all of the coupon emails etc. that show up in my inbox. They aren't helping.

Just say no.

The temptation to shop hasn't gone away yet. Just today I caught myself "window shopping" online for boots. What a waste of time! I know I don't need them. I committed to saving money, so I shouldn't even be considering the expediture. And yet I spent a fair number of minutes perusing different sites, weighing the pros and cons. Ugh. Bad habits are hard to break.

However, I can honestly say that I've done well over the past three weeks. My only nonessential expenditure was for two teaching related books. I figure that it's a long term investment in my sanity. Thirty bucks didn't seem unreasonable although to be honest, I didn't even really think about it. I just hit "purchase."

It's just money.

I keep refocusing on what matters and keep telling myself that money is simply a tool to achieve what matters. Why is it the source of so much anxiety right now? I can't do what matters to me right now because I don't have the money. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel left out. It makes me feel that thinking that money is unimportant is really only true for people who have it.

Enough whining. I am fortunate and I know I am. It's just frustrating.

I keep trying to do things the right way. To save, to budget, to be responsible and for what? It doesn't seem to be doing much good.

I know that I have to be responsible so that I can enjoy the benefits down the road. The problem is that there are so many things that derail the process that are seemingly unavoidable. It's only the end of week two and I'm struggling to say "no" even though I have to. If I had the money? It would be "yes" even though that would be foolish.