Trying not to stress.

I'm sitting here thinking how much I wish I were out running. I was sidelined for Sunday's half-marathon and now I'm completely freaked out by the what ifs? Nothing has changed except some knowledge. Now my lack of breathing could possibly cause me to drop dead. I'm afraid to run and I hate feeling afraid of anything. It's bad enough being told what to do, but I don't know what to do with the fear. I hope the test is negative so that I can get back to my well-established routine and yet if it is inconclusive, I'm still in the same place with my lack of air. I'm feeling powerless right about now. I need to feel like I'm in charge and that I am making the choices rather than having them made for me.

It's the little things.

I've been following the Hanson Plan for training and with the exception for a week of not running (because I did a 250+ mile cycling trip) I've been really consistent, but somewhat frustrated. Just haven't seen much improvement (at least not as much as I'd like.) However, Thursday called for an 8 mile pace run and my pace for all 8 miles including my always rough/ shaky start was 10:38. It's slow by most standards but it's the best consistent mile pace I've maintained in quite a while. I'd like to drop it to a 10:15 by race time but I don't know if that's realistic. Bit by bit. I will get faster. "Comparison is the thief of joy." Just need to keep reminding myself that there will always be those who are quicker (slower). I'm out there and running just for me.

Annotation.

I get an inordinate amount of pleasure from crossing off my daily training miles. I have my plan printed out and as I complete each run, I write down what I actually ran. At the end of the week (for me the end is Sunday) I add up the miles. It is absurdly satisfying. Why? I think because it's a tangible measure of how hard I worked during the week. The miles have been calculated and because they're written down, they really exist not just in memory. I don't know if that makes sense but writing them down makes each day's accomplishment that much more real. It's a ritual that started four years ago and has lasted through all four training rounds.

Be easy.

I am running because I want to. I need to just relax and be easy. I kept that idea in mind this morning as I put in a comfortable 8 miles. Comfortable is the right word. I relaxed and ran. When I needed to, I walked for a few feet and then dropped right back into my rhythm. I finished and felt like I could have kept going for miles and miles and miles. My good run translated into feeling contented all day. Not bad payoff for my morning exertion.

A Matter of Trust.

I'm still running. Some days my miles are easier than others. Some days I just want to quit. I had a day like that two weeks ago. I just felt like I couldn't move. I was struggling to breathe, struggling to move faster, and walking more than running. I was on the trail and I just stopped. Hot, sweaty, and upset, I felt like crying. I often talk to myself when I run. This day I posed a question to the universe. I asked, "What do I need to do?" Implied in the question was "What do I need to do to feel better, to get faster, to feel joyful?" I swear the universe answered. Somehow I heard, "You just need to run." Huh. So I did. I sucked it up, reset my watch and began again. I ran the rest of my route without stopping. Since that day, I've ditched the watch and stopped focusing on my pace. I've been trying to just run. I figure the universe must know what she's talking about.

The Universe Listened.

I asked and I received what I asked for. Actually, I composed and revised and recited a "letter" while I ran all winter. And the universe listened and was generous.

Thank you.

I got deleted.

The post I started to compose before this one was deleted while in process. I guess that's the universe telling me to suck it up and stop stewing. (Does the universe care if I "stew"?) I started to complain about feeling a sense of futility in my running. I guess it's enough to simply acknowledge that today wasn't good and move on. Breathe and begin again. Tomorrow is another opportunity.