With a capital "D."

I'm sad, angry, and frustrated. The "why" of it doesn't really matter, only that it's due to circumstances beyond (way beyond) my control. I went for a walk to try and settle my thoughts, but no luck. I just keep thinking that right now I could really use someone or something powerful and good to believe in.

I don't know where to go from this... Dysfunction is mentally debilitating. I can't understand anyone else's motivations, I can only make my own choices and hope they're good ones.

Just let go.

Why? Because letting go allows space for something new (and possibly better but definitely different) to enter.

I discovered how much I enjoyed yoga only to have the yoga class cancelled after tonight. April, the instructor, handled the situation with such grace that it really made me stop and think about what matters and how I handle disappointment. I need to learn that strength. I need to learn to stay optimistic. As she said (and I know), I cannot control the situation. I can only control my reaction and the choices I make.

Let go. Make room for something new. This may be my New Year's resolution.

White out.

Yesterday's weather provided a reason not to run-- we had a blizzard. And yet today I feel guilty. How do I run in this stuff? I just found a blog that recommends screwing screws into the soles of one's sneakers to avoid slipping. Sounds a bit radical but maybe I'll have to try it given the weather report for the upcoming few weeks. I could dust off my cross-country skis and head out but they require a fair amount of coordination and it's hard work. Just had a funny realization-- I'm a lazy exerciser (I hesitate to refer to myself as an athlete).

At any rate, I'm getting a little bit of cabin fever (it's only been two days, but I am really feeling antsy). I'll have to attempt the park tomorrow and hope it's clear. Maybe I'll have better luck in the woods...

I can't downward dog.

So I went to yoga for a second class. Last week I felt rather "ho hum" about the whole experience. This week I really liked it. I'm uncoordinated and struggle to figure out how to move my shoulders and back but it's fun. I definitely like the more active approach-- it feels so good to have space in my body from the stretching.

The other part I like is that the monkey mind is forced to focus and concentrate. I can't worry about my thighs and "downward dog" simultaneously.

Tomorrow it's back to the park for a run. It's supposed to be cold, but it doesn't matter (hah). What matters is that I'm continuing to carve out space for myself.

Taking care.

I need to learn to be kinder to myself. I need to learn to practice "taking care."
Last week when I was in yoga I was envious of the instructor's body. (Yes, I was in yoga but I'll leave that downward dog for another post.) While I was supposed to be stretching and locating my "heart center" I was actually engaged in intense observation of my body's (perceived) shortcomings.

This must stop.

I need to celebrate my fitness and my health. The whole Margo situation really puts things into perspective. At least I thought it had. It really should have. And yet I still obsess about my body and what it should do as opposed to what it can do. I need to learn to love myself as I am. How corny.

"Love the one you're with" echos in my head... I'm with me. I need to love me.

Reality control.

I'm back to the idea that I need to create my own reality (again). The last time the goal was to see myself as a runner. Done. I am a runner. Now what? What new reality do I want to live? I'm open to suggestions.

Adrift and floundering.

There is serious danger in drifting. It saps time and energy. It allows doubt. It feeds boredom. Two weeks and already I'm at a loss of how (and where) to direct myself. I need to refocus and commit myself to something-- a goal of some sort to get me moving forward.

Full Moon Running

The moon was full. The air was clear. I ran for joy, not mileage, not time, not preparation. I ran to feel myself moving along the path. It was wonderful.

The past few days (since the marathon) I've been trying to answer the "Now what?" question or rather, "What now?" What should I do now that I've completed my marathon goal? What should my next challenge be?

Today it occurred to me that a better (and somewhat more intriguing) question for now is "What do I want?" The first thing that pops into my head as an answer is "to go to Cambodia."

My heart knows this is true.

Whatever the question, I know the answer. I just need to quiet the noise and listen.