Oh, the guilt.

I shouldn't feel the need to punish myself for missing today, but I do. I missed my run. By the time I dragged myself out of bed it was after 7 and just too humid. I feel so guilty. Today was supposed to be a four-miler and then off tomorrow.

There is only one solution: I will run in the morning to make up for today. I will run the mileage as planned and I will run it strong without stopping. I need to be fully committed to this program if I expect to be successful in November. I am starting with a few marks in the deficit column-- age, physical ability, etc. I need to do all the workouts, encouragement, self-talk. I cannot afford to skip. Why didn't I just get up this morning? Laziness, excuses, and marathons don't mix.

And tomorrow we leave for Paris. I can't wait. I want to be there now. But what of my program? Will my training go out the door? Should I worry about doing it on vacation? How can I not? I feel that if I don't run while I'm there, that I am not fully committed and that I will lose momentum. I packed my running clothes and I'll have to make myself get out. Walking the city and climbing steps will help, but I have to run.

More to follow.

Yesterday was a six mile run and I did it. All of it. The best part about it was how I felt stronger as I went along. I can do this. If I can run six, I can run eight. If I can run eight, I can run ten... You get the idea. I'm really quite impressed with myself. When I started this I couldn't even make it to the corner of the street without having to walk. Now, I am looking forward to running three miles tomorrow morning. Who'd have ever guessed? Create your own reality-- my reality, apparently, is that I am a runner. (Maybe my subconscious knew that all along, but I needed time to catch up.)

I am a runner. I run because it makes me feel strong, capable, and fit (don't like that word, need to find a substitute). I am going to run the Philly Marathon. I am a wild, sexy, wind-in-hair llama and I am a runner. :)

Because I said so.

I ran the requisite 3 miles yesterday. It went well. I felt pretty good, probably because it was a little bit cooler and less humid then it's been lately. I ran without music and mentally started writing my mantra. (The Book says to do this later in the training, but given my lack of focus, it seems like a good idea to start it now.) It begins with "I am a llama."

I am a llama. Llamas love running because they feel strong and happy. They don't mind when it gets tough, they welcome the challenge. I will run the Philadelphia Marathon in November... you get the idea.

I realize I change from first person-- I need to have a stronger association to this running business. I'm not there yet, but I will be. This is, of course, only a first draft. Stay tuned.

Off day.

Just came in from my enjoying my decadent breakfast of oatmeal with fresh blueberries and coffee on the back porch. The only thing missing from my ideal morning is sunshine. It's really overcast. Today's an "off" day. I was halfway tempted to run anyway but luckily good sense has prevailed. No running, just stretching and maybe a walk with the dogs.

I was reading The Book again last night and it really emphasizes the importance of focus. My monkey mind goes everywhere. I think playing music helps; they recommend going without to increase internal focus. Focus. I just can't seem to maintain it. (I know, I know, this is where I'm supposed to say "but it doesn't matter" but in this case, I think it does.) Maybe I need to practice meditation... probably wouldn't hurt.

Tomorrow is a three-miler. I'll try to go sans music and see how I do. I need to write my running mantra to repeat. I already know the first line, "I am a llama." I'm not sure what comes next.

"...but it doesn't matter"

At what point does positive self talk become outright denial? The Book says that when you experience discomfort when running to acknowledge it, but then follow the negative thought with "but it doesn't matter." For example, "My right foot has fallen asleep in my shoe again but it doesn't matter." "My breathing is slow and laborious but it doesn't matter." "I have undertaken an unrealistic goal but it doesn't matter."

At what point does it matter? What is the difference between this mind-chatter and denial? I mean, can I go through life dismissing all of the discomfort and stress? I imagine I would be a happier, more optimistic person, but is that reality? Or maybe this is just part of creating my own reality. More to consider the "I am..." and turning the doubt into a positive. (Or if not a positive, at least neutralizing it.)

Speaking of which, I completed my first week of running and started the second. Even while in Florida I was able to run the plan. Running with company makes a difference but more about that another time. Total for the week was about fifteen miles. Not marathon length, but the most I've ever run. It's a first. From this point forward, it will be all about "firsts." This week will be my "first" run of six miles ever. It's exciting. I'm nervous about the increase but it doesn't matter. (Uh oh.)

I ran the required three miles today and I felt good. Strong. Capable. My legs were heavy at the beginning (but it doesn't matter) but loosened up as I kept going. Imagine that a month ago I was struggling to run the park loop. Tomorrow I will run it twice for my four mile day requirement. I will be light in my shoes, effortless as I move along the trail. I am a llama. I am a llama. Okay, at times I am not fully a llama (but it doesn't matter).

Losing face.

My first official day of training and all I could focus on while running is the fact that my face jiggles when I run. I need to lose weight in my cheeks! Today I kept thinking that perhaps I might be in over my head-- who am I to presume to be enough of an athlete to run 26.2 miles? I know what the book says and I know last night I was all about creating my own reality, but in the harsh morning light I'm filled with doubt.

A few points to keep in mind: I need to run earlier in the morning. It's too humid by 7. I have to eat something before running. Running with a growling stomach is not pretty. Wearing the ipod and listening to Michael Jackson et al really helps distract me.

I did run the requisite 3 miles today, but didn't feel very good. I was hot, tight, and hungry. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow is my first 4 mile day. I need to "buck up" (or in my case, "llama-up") and focus. I can do this.

Create your own reality.

I really like this idea of creating my own reality. (If the book says it, it must be true.) What does that even mean? If I believe it (and you believe me) it's true? It's an intriguing way to approach the world. I am a llama. Okay-- what does that mean? To me it means that I can overcome challenges that might derail others and although I might slip a bit, I will find my center and succeed. (That's a lot to take from a llama.) Oh, and I'll look good doing it.

My reality today-- I am smart. I am athletic. I am capable. That seems like plenty to start with... (also I'm clearly an optimist).

Yesterday I ran 3.2 miles and what's more, I felt good doing it. Tomorrow the training starts for real. I'm nervous and excited. In reality this week won't be much different than the past two months-- it's the idea that I'm really going to do this that's exciting (and somewhat frightening).