Fold laundry and have an epiphany.

It's January 5. I learned something important today. As I put away my laundry that's been sitting in the basket on the floor for a week, I realize that not spending on clothes really should be easy. If I can go for a week without needing what's in the clean laundry basket, clearly I don't need anything new. Period.

Therefore, I will try again to "fast" from spending on myself. I don't need anything and what I really want to do is take a trip. Therefore, I am recommitting myself (as I've done every year for the past three) to a spending freeze and trip saving plan. I haven't been successful on previous attempts. As I review what I've pledged, I know I am ridiculous. Somehow I get derailed. I need to figure out how to stay firm in my resolve and put that money towards the travel fund and towards paying off my car (yep-- that's another goal for the year). This is all part of increasing my "happiness quotient."

Any suggestions on how to save more money?

Setting goals.

Happy New Year. I used to be one of those people who eschewed New Year's Resolutions. I figured that no one ever really stuck to them, so why make them in the first place? As I've gotten older (and perhaps wiser), I've learned that I am very goal-oriented. I like having a clear end point and then backwards mapping my path to achieve that goal. It works for me and in the process, I grow and develop positive patterns.

The new year seems like a good time to begin that planning process on a clean slate. In order to increase the likelihood of achieving my goals and sticking to my resolutions, I need accountability and I've found that if I resolve to do something, I need to tell people about my decision. "Weren't you going to..." "Didn't you sign up to..." It's easier for me to stay focused and honest if I have told others.

That said, my goal this year it to increase the Happiness Quotient (HQ). I want to engage in activities that make me a happier person. The overarching goal is to try new things and find my "happy" but that's really rather abstract. Therefore, my first official, concrete goal of the year will be to commit to running twenty miles every week. Why? My mood and overall focus is significantly improved when I engage in regular, strenuous exercise. I run anyway but putting a number to reach weekly will help my commitment. I'm telling you so that when it's pouring rain or 100 degrees in the shade, I'll have made this public announcement for motivation.

That's all for now. Rather than having a one day extravaganza of promises, I figure I'll work to develop and then implement my resolutions for happy living over the course of the year thereby increasing the likelihood that these will become good habits, not simply good intentions.

Happy 2013.

What's your resolution this year? How about past years? Did you keep it/ them? What helped?

Trying not to stress.

I'm sitting here thinking how much I wish I were out running. I was sidelined for Sunday's half-marathon and now I'm completely freaked out by the what ifs? Nothing has changed except some knowledge. Now my lack of breathing could possibly cause me to drop dead. I'm afraid to run and I hate feeling afraid of anything. It's bad enough being told what to do, but I don't know what to do with the fear. I hope the test is negative so that I can get back to my well-established routine and yet if it is inconclusive, I'm still in the same place with my lack of air. I'm feeling powerless right about now. I need to feel like I'm in charge and that I am making the choices rather than having them made for me.

It's the little things.

I've been following the Hanson Plan for training and with the exception for a week of not running (because I did a 250+ mile cycling trip) I've been really consistent, but somewhat frustrated. Just haven't seen much improvement (at least not as much as I'd like.) However, Thursday called for an 8 mile pace run and my pace for all 8 miles including my always rough/ shaky start was 10:38. It's slow by most standards but it's the best consistent mile pace I've maintained in quite a while. I'd like to drop it to a 10:15 by race time but I don't know if that's realistic. Bit by bit. I will get faster. "Comparison is the thief of joy." Just need to keep reminding myself that there will always be those who are quicker (slower). I'm out there and running just for me.

Annotation.

I get an inordinate amount of pleasure from crossing off my daily training miles. I have my plan printed out and as I complete each run, I write down what I actually ran. At the end of the week (for me the end is Sunday) I add up the miles. It is absurdly satisfying. Why? I think because it's a tangible measure of how hard I worked during the week. The miles have been calculated and because they're written down, they really exist not just in memory. I don't know if that makes sense but writing them down makes each day's accomplishment that much more real. It's a ritual that started four years ago and has lasted through all four training rounds.

Be easy.

I am running because I want to. I need to just relax and be easy. I kept that idea in mind this morning as I put in a comfortable 8 miles. Comfortable is the right word. I relaxed and ran. When I needed to, I walked for a few feet and then dropped right back into my rhythm. I finished and felt like I could have kept going for miles and miles and miles. My good run translated into feeling contented all day. Not bad payoff for my morning exertion.

A Matter of Trust.

I'm still running. Some days my miles are easier than others. Some days I just want to quit. I had a day like that two weeks ago. I just felt like I couldn't move. I was struggling to breathe, struggling to move faster, and walking more than running. I was on the trail and I just stopped. Hot, sweaty, and upset, I felt like crying. I often talk to myself when I run. This day I posed a question to the universe. I asked, "What do I need to do?" Implied in the question was "What do I need to do to feel better, to get faster, to feel joyful?" I swear the universe answered. Somehow I heard, "You just need to run." Huh. So I did. I sucked it up, reset my watch and began again. I ran the rest of my route without stopping. Since that day, I've ditched the watch and stopped focusing on my pace. I've been trying to just run. I figure the universe must know what she's talking about.

The Universe Listened.

I asked and I received what I asked for. Actually, I composed and revised and recited a "letter" while I ran all winter. And the universe listened and was generous.

Thank you.

I got deleted.

The post I started to compose before this one was deleted while in process. I guess that's the universe telling me to suck it up and stop stewing. (Does the universe care if I "stew"?) I started to complain about feeling a sense of futility in my running. I guess it's enough to simply acknowledge that today wasn't good and move on. Breathe and begin again. Tomorrow is another opportunity.

Up for another one?

Yep. Registered for marathon #4. I am so excited. I must really need a challenge. I never would have believed that I might really become a marathoner.
The first one was just to finish.(I did.)
The second one was to prove the first hadn't been a fluke.(It wasn't.)
The third was to do it better. (I did.)
And now there will be another one. Why? Don't know except that the prospect makes me happy.

Reboot.

Whew-- time flies! I've missed the entire month of February. Admittedly it's a short month, but still.

Since the focus has been on spending (or rather the lack of) I suppose it's time for an update. I've slipped a bit. It's like I opened the door one tiny crack and my wants shoved their way in. Two dresses and a pair of boots later and the guilt has struck.

I'm ready to begin again. I don't know what else to do other than reboot and restart.

Tomorrow is my restart for running and maybe I'll just christen it "New Start Day." Seems I do better when it's official.

Anyway, I need to get back to work now so that maybe I can have some time this week to think and function like a normal person.

Slippery slope.

It's tricky, this not spending. It almost seems to be an all or nothing type of set up. See, I've been doing well all month. Spent on necessities with a minor lapse to purchase some books for work and some "Loser" motivations. No problem.

And then I saw a dress. I agonized over it, but I didn't buy it. Almost, but I stayed firm to my pledge.

And then it was my birthday and I saw my sister in her pair of cute jeans like I've been wanting for forever because they make me like my thighs(or they did when I tried them on last year). And then a coupon, and a click and next thing you know they're on the way to my house.

And then it was a pair of boots that are such a good deal that it would be really foolish to pass them by and my feet have been sore and shipping is free and click, another purchase.

And then a Starbucks drink after my run on Sunday. I earned it. It was delicious.

So today I find myself perusing the internet, window shopping. For what? This has to stop. I do not want to open the door to spending. My pledge is to pay off my debt. Are a pair of jeans and a pair of boots a big deal? No, but they're the gateway to more spending. It's like a diet-- a little taste here and there isn't the problem. It's when the "little tastes" add up to a multi-course meal. It's too much. Better to just quit cold turkey.

Today I'll begin again. Fresh start.

Time to cancel all of the coupon emails etc. that show up in my inbox. They aren't helping.

Just say no.

The temptation to shop hasn't gone away yet. Just today I caught myself "window shopping" online for boots. What a waste of time! I know I don't need them. I committed to saving money, so I shouldn't even be considering the expediture. And yet I spent a fair number of minutes perusing different sites, weighing the pros and cons. Ugh. Bad habits are hard to break.

However, I can honestly say that I've done well over the past three weeks. My only nonessential expenditure was for two teaching related books. I figure that it's a long term investment in my sanity. Thirty bucks didn't seem unreasonable although to be honest, I didn't even really think about it. I just hit "purchase."

It's just money.

I keep refocusing on what matters and keep telling myself that money is simply a tool to achieve what matters. Why is it the source of so much anxiety right now? I can't do what matters to me right now because I don't have the money. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel left out. It makes me feel that thinking that money is unimportant is really only true for people who have it.

Enough whining. I am fortunate and I know I am. It's just frustrating.

I keep trying to do things the right way. To save, to budget, to be responsible and for what? It doesn't seem to be doing much good.

I know that I have to be responsible so that I can enjoy the benefits down the road. The problem is that there are so many things that derail the process that are seemingly unavoidable. It's only the end of week two and I'm struggling to say "no" even though I have to. If I had the money? It would be "yes" even though that would be foolish.

One Week Later...

I'm off to a mixed start. Due to apparent carelessness, I had a financial wake up call this week. Suffice to say that my desire to go on a spending freeze couldn't have happened at a better time.

With that, I did pretty well. My only non-essential purchases were pizza (which really isn't part of the freeze seeing as it's the weekly tradition) and $20 miscellaneous of which I still have $10.

On the positive side, I managed (with help) to declutter my office. I had no idea that I had so much stuff in here. Two Hefty trash bags, three boxes of books, and two boxes of Goodwill donations and it's feeling much more open in here. There's more to go, but for now I'm happy with the progress.

This week I want to add up all of my monthly expenses and get a specific number for how much I pay out and then work on a realistic spending plan.

Oh-- and I made some cash in eBay sales. That served the dual purpose of clearing out and making cash. Not too shabby.

In the the new; out with the old.

I've just finished shredding pages from an old journal. I reread what I'd written and what do you know-- since 2003 (and long before no doubt) I've been obsessed with the same topics which essentially boil down to having a simple life filled with love, creativity and adventure. Shredding those pages is the first concrete step (I've taken "starter steps" before)toward changing my world. It's like registering to run the marathon (funny how that's my analogy for so many things). I know where I want to go and how I want to feel when I get there. Now I just have to take the steps (literally and figuratively) to make it happen.

That journal will now be where I'll keep track of my finances. Long-hand accountability in good old black and white. How can I meet a goal? Name it. Break it down into reasonable chunks. Master each of the chunks. (Not sure "master" is the right word here, but nothing else comes to mind.

Right now I'm going to declutter my desk, then my bookshelves, and eventually, my life. Happy New Year to me.

Writing it down is not enough.

So I wrote my last post way back in July. I vowed to make a change and to follow through on what had been my 2011 New Year's resolution. Let's get to the point. I didn't. Nothing changed. There was a brief burst of cleaning and purging but then I got distracted by other things and my good intentions for permanent change went to the wayside.

This is not to say that my list of seven things has been a complete bust. On the contrary. I find myself frequently considering how I can achieve what is on the list. I know I need action, but thinking has value too. What I'm most happy about as I sit and reflect at the end of another year is how I've been trying to insprire other people to live happy. That's at the root of everything for me. It's my ultimate "what matters." To that end, I've been an anonymous cheerleader leaving gifts in coworkers mailboxes. I have so much fun imagining their surprise upon finding a gift or a note.

Today I spent time organizing a few things to post on ebay. When I'm finished, I'm going to clean the office. I'm not going to bed until I've sorted through the chaos. My goal is to clear out half. Then I need to decide what to sell or donate. It's time. I want space so I can begin working on my next challenge-- developing a secondary source of income. I have a few Etsy ideas that I want to make real.

And finally, I have a notebook to track spending. It's the tried and true pen and paper method for me. I've made a committment on "And then she saved" to go on a spending fast. I want to eliminate my non-mortgage debt by this time next year. There's not a lot, but my budget is pretty tight as it is. Can I do it? I believe I can and put money in the bank. I want to travel and to do that, I need to have security.

That's all for now. Enough talking. It's time for action.

It all comes back to what matters.

NOTE added 7/16: it's July and I haven't been writing and apparently I haven't been paying as much attention to my thoughts as I believed. Just reviewed some earlier posts, and what do you know-- they're about this very same thing-- simplification. In fact my new year's resolution is about getting a handle on my life. Ah well. Begin again. Regroup. Restart.

So I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking and more reading and more thinking and I keep coming back to the idea of simplification. I'm not sure what's gotten me back on this kick, but I start feeling trapped by stuff, by culture, by expectations (societal more than anything else)and I just want something different. I want my life to feel more like me. To use a buzzword, to feel authentic.

The other day, I stuck a bright yellow Post-it note above my desk that says, "Build a life less ordinary." I don't need to cut ties and run off completely, but I do need more than the everyday wake up, go to work, go home routine. I want some adventure. I want more sparkle, more travel, more learning, more unexpected. I want a life that fits me better.

So where do I begin? For me, it starts with a list. If I want to change and travel and explore and wander, then I need a plan. (How ironic that to gain freedom I'll need structure.)

Back on July 7, I came up with this list of guidelines (in no particular order) that seem to form the backbone of my less-ordinary plan although it's clearly a work in progress.

1. Stop spending.
2. Start keeping track.
3. Develop a secondary source of income.
4. Eliminate debt (really only have the house and the car)
5. Clear the clutter.
6. Set clear goals.
7. Reach out.

Now to start implementing these guidelines. Okay, the first one should be easy (but it won't be). Stop spending. I've tried this before with limited success. It's easy to slip back into old habits. So maybe I'll clarify and then check back. My goal will be to limit personal spending for the next month. I'll keep track for the next thirty days and then self-evaluate. I can handle a month.

I'm reading a book entitled, Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. Although it's about writing, it's really advice for how to tackle any big (and potentially overwhelming) project. Just take it one piece, or one bird, at a time. Step in front of step runs a marathon. Decision upon decision builds a life less ordinary.

What, already?

What's wrong with me? It's only January 3rd and I'm already checking out shoes. One day of sore feet and I'm convinced I need new shoes. Oh, but it's so tempting. I play games in my head and tell myself that shoes aren't clothes. Shoes are necessary.

Yes, they are necessary but it's not like I don't have several pairs already. I just want something to replace my favorites which must be retired. They were comfortable and stylish and had a bit of "wow." I wore them to death. No amount of repair can save them anymore. I want another pair that has that same feel. There it is-- "I want."

Is there a way to want, to get and then not feel guilty?

First day of the first month: Finances.

I decided to tackle this one head on this morning. It's interesting because some of the other goals are caught up in this one from reducing clutter to cutting spending. So far I've cleared out my ridiculous files and shredded everything that could be tossed. Next I'm planning to evaluate some budgeting software and plugging in my information. I need a clear idea of how much money is coming in and going out each month so I can start working toward a goal-- travel?

Not only is savings a goal, but also knowing where the money goes matters. I keep thinking I waste a lot so I should focus on spending on what matters. That constant refrain. My question and comment. It's becoming my touchstone. If it doesn't matter, don't waste resources of time, energy, money, or emotion.

Back to work. I'm off to a good start and don't want to get too sidetracked. I'm not sure how to ward off my tendencies to procrastinate effectively.